If you only knew how many times I have pulled up a blank word document to write the past couple of months and God has softly said, “not yet.” I was drifting, little by little over time. It happened gradually, but before I knew it I was lost at sea, confused as to how I got there. I say drifting because drifting is not noticeable until you realize how far the rip current of pride, insecurity, fear, etc. has pulled you away from where you were once anchored.
I drifted.
Drifted away from the truth of who God says I am and instead started swimming towards who I thought I was supposed to be.
I have never been one who is gifted in drawing. If you were to ask me to draw myself I would grab a pencil and scribble out my best stick figure and call it a day. In the same way, that is how I was operating in life. I was doing everything I could to create my best/to do my best. I used an impressive resume and to do lists to satisfy myself. When in the end, my best is nothing more than a stick figure.
God took my drawling, crumpled it up, grabbed me by the hand, and led me to a canvas where He held the paintbrush. There he showed me how He is the artist and the version of myself that I thought was my best paled in comparison to who He wanted to create me to be.
Stroke by stroke He has been repainting me, not into a version of myself that I could obtain by my tiring efforts, but a version of myself that is only possible when I become fully aware of my need for Him. He holds a pallet of colors in His hand. Some that only became accessible to use when I stepped into my role as a child, walking in the freedom of His grace.
You see, God will come along and take what you think is the best version of yourself, the version/image of yourself that you worked so hard to achieve and crumple it. Not because He wants to harm you, oh no, that is not it. It is for our good. It is so we can take a deep breath and know that our striving is a useless performance. It is so we can realize that we are more than the “just” we like to place in front of our identity. For me it was a writer. I worked so hard to perfect what I wrote because that was what I had to offer the world. That was how God was going to use me. That was the image I created of myself. I was just a writer. I drifted from the fact scripture says we are ambassadress (2 Corinthians 5:20) and more than conquerors (Romans 8:37). But when we are not walking by the Spirit that “just” becomes a tattoo.
The crumpling process, yes it is painful. The past couple months have been packed with pruning. I have never been so aware of my brokenness, but I have also never been so intimate with the Lord. When we let Him take us through the crumpling/pruning it leads us to a place where we can throw off the “just.” He shows you that you are so much more. He shows you that if you would let Him, He will create a version of you that really is your best.
I got asked to speak at a women’s conference in North Carolina a couple months ago and have battled with the “I am not good enough” almost every single day. But when I let the Lord lead me to that canvas I not only became aware of who I am in Him but I also became aware of my role in the story.
For so long, the expectations I placed on myself to be perfect, to have all the right answers, or to be the picture perfect bible version of how to suffer has cause me to be so afraid to fail. It has caused me to be so afraid to let people down. Because if I don’t do these things then my image will change. People will think differently of me. These things are all just fruit that were cultivated as a result of me planting my identity in what I was able to do. Key words: what I was able to do.
John 1:23 (msg version)
“I am thunder in the desert.”
John the Baptist is preparing the way for the Lord in the wilderness, but he recognizes his role. He is the thunder. The thunder is not what people need most when in the desert, the rain is. But the thunder serves as in indication that the rain is on its way.
Maybe you are like me, trying to be the rain, when you only need to be the thunder. When will we realize that God will always be the source of water? He does not need us to supply it for Him. He just needs us to tell His people that the water is coming and that it is available.
He does not need us to be what saves people. He just needs us to be a sign that He shows up.
That is the purpose of you sharing your story and of me sharing my story. It is a sign that He shows up. It is thunder in the middle of a desert for someone.
As I prepare to speak at this women’s conference, the way I do so has become so different. Because I know I do not have to say the very thing someone needs to hear. I do not have to articulate a message that will be the water for someone walking in the desert. I just have to be the thunder. Proclaiming to the one in the desert that the rain in coming.
That truth changed everything for me. It let me throw off the weights of expectations and run to the canvas where the Lord sat, waiting for me to arrive.
To my surprise, the image He was/is painting of me was the one of a child, with my curly hair blowing in the wind as I ran through a field.
That is the best version of me.
The version where I become a child, and let Him be the Father.
Today, let Him take you to the canvas. The pruning process might be painful, but I promise you the intimacy and the freedom that come with it are worth it. Know that you do not have to supply the rain for someone. God has that covered. Just go be the thunder. You are not “just” anything. You are so much more.
It is time to step into the more.
I am stepping.
Will you step with me?
Still learning…
