In the wise words of Justin Bieber – Never say never.
I swore to myself I would never ever ever write a blog about singleness. I am laughing a little out loud to myself even now because I honestly can’t believe I am sitting down at my computer to do this. It’s a topic over the last couple of years I have been asked more times than I can count if I would write about it. Which can we just start there – let’s ask the single girl who is a writer if she can write about singleness? SMH.
Let me just say I am not here to give you all the Christian clichés about how to do singleness well and tell you for the millionth time how God can use your season of singleness. I am not here to reiterate all thousands of other writers who have reminded you that God knows exactly who he/she is and that they are out there for you. We have enough of those. That is not to throw shade or say any of those things are not true – it is to say you do not need me to say something that has already been said. I don’t ever desire to be that kind of writer.
I am here because I want us to change the conversation. For my sake, for other’s sake, and for the sake of the gospel.
To my single friends, I hope this challenges you in a sanctifying way. I hope this helps re-posture your heart so that it desires Jesus above all else and cultivates a deep assurance that you can trust Him.
To each of you who are engaging in conversations with single people, I hope this reminds you of what your friends need and don’t need. I hope it helps guide you in a way to walk well with your people.
Let’s call these the “shifts of singleness.” The slightest alteration of how we talk and how we think. The freeing of expectations and dismantling of stereotypes. The balancing of extremes.
Desperate to Desiring
“Do you even want to be dating someone?”
My friends can attest that this one can get me fired up. It seems that we have to choose – either we are the girl/guy who is always talking about wanting to be dating someone or we are the guy/girl who is rolling solo without any care in the world. We are either the ones who everyone around us knows that we “just want to be married” and can make ourselves come across as desperate. Or we are the independent one who surely is just fine on their own. Yet, I fully believe it doesn’t have to be one or the other. I know it doesn’t have to be because as a follower of Jesus He lets that be the case. David writes in Psalm 23, “I lack nothing.” My position in Christ allows me full access to all that He is. All that He is, is all that I need. When I take my rightful position as His child, with it comes the reality that I lack nothing. Yet, over and over throughout scripture, He invites you and me to ask Him for what we want. Seek. Knock. Ask. You see, I can be content. I can walk with my head high not acting as if I am desperate to find my future husband but I can also approach my Father and trust that He knows the desires of my heart. Desires that are shouted from the rooftops do not hold more significance than the desires that are whispered into the quiet spaces with Jesus. My friends, I don’t know if you need me to tell you this or not but I’ll say it anyway – satisfaction in Jesus is an indication that you understand that in the end it has/always will be Jesus but satisfaction does not mean that you are settling to be single forever.
Sympathy to Set-Ups
“It is okay. Your time will come.”
I fully expect to have about 9 blind dates set up after this post, kidding! This might just be my personal take here but my communication mind is always thinking “read the room.” I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked me about dating someone and I have responded in a very subtle (not dramatic or emotional at all) way, “I am not.” To which their response is one that was full of so much sympathy. I do believe there are heavier conversations that indicate sensitivity and we have to read that. However, more times than not, when someone responds in such a sympathetic way it can make you feel like they are saying, “oh I’m so sorry.” It goes back to the above, I can be desiring it but that does not mean I need you to feel sorry for me. It doesn’t mean I need you to give me a soft pat on the back. As God’s people, we can throw water on flames of faith by extending sympathy where sympathy does not need to be extended. We must be careful to not assume that someone’s singleness is something they want you to feel sorry for them about. In conversations with other friends who are single, they constantly say, “I don’t need people to feel bad for me. I need them to set me up.” And here is where we insert shameless plugs. People! Connect your people. Connect your people with other people. Ask God for insight on who in your world you might could connect. It might sound silly but we have the Holy Spirit as a guide that can give insight that we might not be aware of. I am not saying that we all need to set out to be master matchmakers. I am saying that even the attempt to connect someone goes a lot further than you think. I am saying awareness can mean more than you know. And if it is not that kind of setup. Set up a time for them to be with your family. Bring them along.
Complaining to Celebrating
I’ll keep the last one short and sweet. Wedding season has been upon me. Three of my closest friends have all gotten married in the past year. Que the beginning of 27 dresses. As you get older the bridesmaids situation changes. You go from this being the first of the friends getting married and an all single bridesmaid party to everyone is married and there is the one single bridesmaid. Again, all of these points build off each other. When I am fully trusting that with Jesus I lack nothing and know that I can still desire to be in a relationship with someone it allows me to celebrate my friends well who are entering into a new season, even if it is a season that I might long for. This doesn’t downplay that as friends get married that the heaviness of desiring something that other people are getting isn’t there. That is a real feeling. But it is a reminder that we can and are able to still celebrate our community well in those moments. I hope as my friends get married that they can trust that I am capable to celebrate the blessing in their life and them not expect me to complain about not having something they have. Celebrate your people and celebrate them well.
Sometimes when something is talked about so much it can feel daunting to try to add to the conversation. I think sometimes something is talked about so much that we grow hesitant to push back or engage at all. Singleness is a topic that will always be in the cards. We won’t ever be able to remove it from the conversation list. But I think as time goes by, we keep shifting it. Here and there we find ways to shift the ideas. We let the word of God and the Holy Spirit continuously sanctify us and as He does, shifts have to come. So the topic might always be the same, but as He changes us, how we talk about it will continue to change. Let’s let it.
