I have hit some roadblocks these last couple months. Some are roadblocks that I placed myself and some satan did, but I think sometimes satan gets a little to much credit. We like to blame him for a lot of things that really are not his doing, but our own.
Roadblock #1
Fear
I had a friend tell me the other day, “Adria you are like the most spiritual person I know. You always know what to say and you like know the bible.” Side note: classic girl, using the word “like” a million times in a sentence.
I have created this expectation on myself to be this never ending well of wisdom that always has the right answer, and I have created this expectation of myself to be the “perfect” Christian, but from that the fear of struggling has taken root in my heart and silence has been the water that has allowed it to flourish.
What was/is so convicting to me is that in the past I would freely write about the pain and struggles running through my family, because I knew it is what people related the most to. The ability to relate to someone’s struggles is what builds your ministry. But when it comes to my person struggles, no way, that is off limits.
What will people think of me?
Will they question if I really love Jesus?
Will they still think I am wise?
Will they think I am a failure?
Fear.
But I did not want to be like the leaders that were full of belief but never said anything because, “when push came to shove they cared more about human approval than God’s glory.” (John 12:43)
The thing about fear it has never gotten anyone anywhere. I have been praying that God would give me the words and then I would step out in faith and write them down, but God wanted me to step out in faith first, then He would give me the words. Sometimes faith just looks like willingness. Today I finally became willing, and what do you know the words started unfolding.
Roadblock #2
Shame
Another thing about fear is that it manifests and births into so many other things in us. I think some of us are naive to think we deal with shame, I was, but I have learned, silence speaks shame. My unwillingness to come to this blank page and write these things down said shame louder than anything else.
Roadblock #3
Loneliness
Being a stay at home college student is HARD. My instagram does a good job of creating a facade that loneliness is the farthest thing from what I am, but that is just me operating out of that fear and shame and doing whatever I can to mask that struggle.
Let me clarify I have friends, plenty, and they are all amazing, but they are also all scattered all over the place in different colleges so a lot of times the quietness turns into a loud anthem of lies of loneliness. But I also have not been willing to try to build new community with people around me, until this week. Praise the Lord for community groups at church and the amazing group of girls I met.
I am not alone. I never have been, but that does not mean I have not struggled with the thought that I am.
Roadblock #4
Striving
This is the biggest one right now.
I was texting back and forth with a mentor of mine this week about how I do not know how to operate when I do not have a to-do list or a million things planned. She reminded me that I was asking God for a “doing” attitude and not a “being” attitude.
She said, “you can still be (rest, rely on, abide) while you’re busy doing Kingdom things, so it’s not all or nothing. But it all starts from coming from a place of just being a daughter of God.”
Romans 8:19
“For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.”
To be a child of God is the sweetest place to live from, all of creation has acknowledged that by waiting to see who made the list. Good news, we all made the list if we chose we want to be on the list.
I felt like I was failing because I was not scheduled out and following that schedule, but that is not the case at all. I have also seen just in this week alone that more refining has happened than it has in a long time, and that is because I had the space and the quietness to hear and see.
Because I am just now learning how to operate from that place of being and not doing, I strive.
I have struggled the past couple months with my weight, not because I do not think I am beautiful or because I am insecure, but simply because struggling with my weight gives me something to strive for. What is my goal this week? How many miles can I run today? Striving. Striving. Striving. The more we strive the more focused we become on ourselves.
Trust me when I say that this post is one of the hardest ones I have ever had to write, it is not an easy task to put your flaws out there for the world to see, but I think of Lazarus. Lazarus was dead, I don’t think there is a greater struggle you can reach than that. We know the story; Jesus brought him back to life, etc. But what we/ I miss is that people came from near and far to see what Jesus had done. They wanted to see how Jesus took Lazarus struggle and breathed new life into him. From that people believed, so many people believed to the point the Chief priest wanted Lazarus dead. He was a threat to Satan.
John 12:9-11
“Meanwhile a large crowd of Jews found out that Jesus was there and came, not only because of him but also to see Lazarus, whom he had raised from the dead. So the chief priests made plans to kill Lazarus as well, for on account of him many of the Jews were going over to Jesus and believing in him.”
I want to be like Lazarus. I want to write and tell about my struggles so that people can see how Jesus breathed new life into me. I want people to believe in Jesus because they have seen how by Him and Him alone I have been able to push the gas pedal and drive through the roadblocks. I want to be a threat to Satan.
I was out running today and had this epiphany.
Hebrews 12:1
“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”
When running a race, most of the time you are always trying to do something. Whether it is run the whole time, set a PR, or even to win. You are striving. But with Jesus, the race He wants us to run, we start off as already being the winners. There is nothing we have to strive for. Run from a place of knowing you are already crowned with victory, you do not have to do anything to make it onto to the podium. You do not have to strive; you just have to know that you are already a winner.
I will not tell you that overnight I have driven through the roadblocks, but I am getting there. I am driving a little faster, and becoming not so willing to pump the breaks.
Friends, no matter how good anyone’s life looks, they too have something they are struggling with. Be encouraged by that. Nobody is perfect, and you do not have to be either. By admitting you are a mess it gives the Potter the chance to take the sloppy piece of clay and spin it into the masterpiece He is longing for it to be.
Be a Lazarus. Let your struggles point people to Jesus. Give yourself the freedom to be a mess.
Still learning, but still driving.
xoxo,
A messy piece of clay that is resting in the hands of the Potter
