She used few words, managing only to say “I don’t know.” But it was written all over her face, she had a million thoughts running wild through her mind. I thought to myself that maybe instead of interrupting the silence, I should just let it linger a while longer, giving her time to realize she actually knew more than she thought she did. I did this only because the place she was sitting in is a place I sit a little too often. “I don’t know” is phrase that has become residency for me. It is safe. Or I thought it was at least.
The rest of that coffee date I said very little.
You see, most of the time, “I don’t know” is really just a concealment for the all the other words we have pushed deep down. The work to uncover those words or feelings is so uncomfortable that instead of picking up the shovel and starting to dig, we just add more to hide them.
This is so applicable in so many areas of life, but sitting in this little coffee shop on a Wednesday afternoon it was all about lies.
She told me what was going on in her life and the couple things she was struggling with that she just could not break free from, mostly self-worth. The first thing I asked her was why she felt the way she did about herself. That is when she responded with the “I don’t know.”
We sat there for a solid five minutes just looking at each other. Until a tear found its way down her cheek and then more followed. The silence created the space for her to hear her own words. The ones she had pushed so deep down. She picked up the shovel and started digging. She talked and I just listened. She finally reached a stopping point and I asked another question.
“Are the things you saying about yourself a lie or are they truth?”
The thing about lies is you can never identity them in your life if you do not have a concept of not just what truth is but WHO the Truth is. [John 14:6] When someone points out the lies that we are believing in our lives sometimes it is simply because we cannot identify them. If you are one of those people pointing out the lies do not just tell them to not believe whatever it is. Show them the truth because they clearly do not see it.
When you get to the point where you can identify the lies it is solely because you know what the truth is. We have to get to a place where when those moments come and Satan starts whispering in our ears we can refute what he is saying with what God says. Jesus shows us the most beautiful example of this in scripture.
Matthew 4:1-11
Jesus is tested in the wilderness. Right before this Jesus had just been baptized. He went straight from the water into the wilderness. He went from total comfort to total conflict. He went from hearing the voice of heaven to hearing the voice of hell.
Jesus had just finished fasting for forty days and forty nights. It is almost like Satan watched and waited for this moment. Do not think that Satan does not come after good seasons or after spiritual awakenings. Because he does.
The approval of heaven does not dismiss you from the attack of hell. However, we have a sword to fight back with…His Word.
Satan asks Jesus a serious of questions and every time Jesus responded with, “It is written.” He responded with the truth of what God says.
In a way, when we are saved, and especially when we are baptized, THE Word washes over you. In the wilderness, in the testing, the Word has to come out of you. The Word is your weapon. Jesus responded to what Satan was saying with truth because He knew what the truth was.
I think sometimes people read these post of mine and think “she gets it” or “she has her act together.” But I fall into the same traps you do. I relapse just as often as next the person with my sin. And I absolutely let Satan speak a little louder than he should sometimes.
I’ve had a testing in the wilderness kind of week. I am transitioning out of what was the most incredible Summer. I had the flexibility with my work schedule to pretty much do whatever and whenever. Last minute hangouts were happening all the time. I also had the space to do so much soul searching and have grown so much spiritually. But I coach high school volleyball and this week we started back, hello two-a-days. I am also finishing up the last of my babysitting commitments. Everyday has been slammed pack and every night I would get out my bible and my journal to spend some time with the Lord, but this feeling of “Adria you are going to miss Him” has taken off and it has consumed me. Life went from 0 mph to 95 mph and I was terrified that I would not be able to have the same intimate moments with the Lord that I did this Summer.
I was in the wilderness and Satan was asking me questions.
“You just spent time with the Lord but did you really meet with Him?”
“You are so exhausted. Is He really going to bring you rest?”
At first, I fell right into it. I believed all of it. I did not identify these lies. But then I went back to scripture and found the truth.
Did you really meet with him?
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” [Matthew 7:7]
Is He really going to bring you rest?
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” [Matthew 11:28]
The lies are real, but we have a way to identify them. We have a way to refute them. We have way to fight back. We have truth. But it our choice whether we want to or not. It is our choice how we will respond when those testing moments in the wilderness come. Will it be with “It is written”
A sword will never do you any good in a battle if you do not pick it up and use it.
Brennan Manning says, “when the gospel of grace lands on us we live in truth and reality.” When we understand grace, when we taste grace, it has a voice louder than anything else. When we let grace do the talking we walk in freedom. We walk in truth.
I saw that to be true in my own life this week. Grace says there are no expectations. Grace says I love every part of you. Grace says I (Truth) will always welcome you back even when you go believe the lies. Grace says run free my child.
But when we do not walk in grace, those are the moments the lies start creeping in. Those are the moments we pick up the crutches, our false support systems, and start hobbling around. We hold ourselves up with the approval of this world, and the applause of people, but we are barely standing.
It is time to get rid of the crutches. It is time to stand upright in the freedom that His grace brings. It is time to start identifying the lies. It is time to start seeking truth. It is time to start talking back to Satan.
Our conversation ended in the coffee shop that day with her telling me she knew she needed to go back to scripture to see what God said about her worth. She said to me, “Thank you for everything.”
I laughed a little because I did not do a thing. I just asked her two questions. She knew more than she thought she did.
She just needed to pick up the shovel.
Because once she picked up the shovel she saw that she could pick up the sword too.
