I Haven’t Been Writing

I haven’t been writing.

I’ll rephrase that. I haven’t been publically writing. It isn’t because I haven’t had things to say. It is quite the opposite actually. It is because I needed to let these word be only for me for a while. To some, that might sound selfish. It would pose the question – How could one hoard truth from the public? To which I would respond, the fact that we see taking a break from putting things out there as hoarding is the problem in itself. I know that the Lord has gifted me with the art of writing. However, I also know that before the Lord is concerned about my interactions with the public eye, He is concerned about me personally.

There is always the potential to manipulate our actions, even when they are for the Lord. Matthew 6:5 says, “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others.” I know this, because I have fallen into it. I can feel it in my bones when I sit down to write something, and I know my only intentions are to post it because my insecure heart is searching to be seen. Our talents are gifts and it doesn’t surprise me that the enemy would lure me into a trap to use the very things the Lord has given me as a chance to seek my own applause. I would dare to say, if he is doing it with me, he is doing it with other people.

I need you to know that I haven’t gotten it right every time. There have been moments when I have known and I have done it anyway. I have posted it anyways. I tell you that because sometimes I think we think that those of us who have a little corner of the internet to post our thoughts or those of us who get to stand in front crowds have it all figured out. Hear me say, we don’t. I don’t. I get it wrong. I fall short. We all do. Once I realized that I was giving into self-seeking motives more than I wanted to be, I had to take it completely off the table. I told myself I would write but It wouldn’t be for anyone else. It would just be for me.

Years ago I heard Beth Moore say on Christy Nockel’s Podcast, “the greatest miracles I have seen the Lord do I could never even dare to speak them out loud because they are that intimate between the Lord and I.” Her sentence stopped me dead in my tracks. I asked myself, “what are the things that I have that are solely just between me and God?” I didn’t have them, but oh I wanted them. For years I prayed for this thing called intimacy with the Father. I didn’t know much about it, but I knew I wanted it. I knew I needed it. Our extremely visible and easy accessible lives, paired together with the pressures of society to secure our image has made that word feel like a foreign language. I thought intimacy with the Lord would only be me falling deeper in love with Him. I was so wrong. It was more.

I am learning that intimacy is a holy confidence that is so totally and completely enamored by the Father that there are no thoughts of “how can I share this?” There is only awe. Intimacy is longing for the secret place, not the seen place. Intimacy is staying hidden in the shadow of an almighty God because you know His presence is far more satisfying than anything this world has to offer. Intimacy is being giddy with what He is teaching you but not feeling the pressure to shout it from the rooftops. Intimacy is being in a personal relationship with Jesus. There are two parties in the relationship. Intimacy is asking the question, “Lord what do you want me to share?”

We have a call to action with the revelations He gives us. The call is to ask Jesus what He wants us to do with it. As crazy as it might sound, His intentions might be for it to be for only you. Don’t hear me say that I don’t think we are called to share Jesus with the world. We are and we must. Don’t hear me say that we need to talk about Him less. His name should always be on our lips. Hear me say – check your motives. Hear me say – learn to enjoy the moments that are only shared between you and Him and let there be more of them.

I wonder if David knew when he wrote the Psalms that one day the rest of the world would read them? I wonder if Solomon and Hannah knew that the prayers they prayed would be written down. There was no person behind the camera telling the prophets to start over as they spoke out prophecies, only so it could ensure it was captured in a 30 second Instagram story. No, they didn’t do these things for the public. Although, the public benefited from it. They did these things because they were followers of Jesus and they loved Him. The rest of the world benefited from it as a result. There are no formulas when it comes to following Jesus. We cannot conjure up a step by step manual. He is far too great to be dwindled down into an equation. Don’t be troubled though. He gives us even better news.

 “One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:28-30

He says, “love me.” That is it. Love Him. Be in love with Him. It will inform everything else you do. If we start there everything else will come to life on its own. Notice the order Jesus uses here. Love Him then love others. If we aren’t careful, we can begin to believe that the way we love Jesus is by showing that we love people. This is what activates that thought process of “I have to do something” or “I have to post.” When the reality is Jesus is telling us, you loving me is what will enable you to love others. Loving Him is what will give me the ability to serve those around me. The greatest thing I can do for those around me today is to go to a new depth with my Father.

Do you see it? We don’t do things because it will prove something, we do things because we love someone. When we start operating out of that mindset it will start to diminish the pressures of rising to the occasion. It will obliterate the flesh because if our work is being fueled by our love for the Lord there will be no room for it to be about us.

Rest dear child. He wants you to fall in love with Him. He wants to draw you in before He sends you out. Take a deep breath. The world needs you and you must rise to the call He has placed on your life. However, the more than the world needs you, you need Him. Make sure you are taking the drastic measures to secure the boundary lines of your public life and your private life. Make sure that you are being activated by your love for your Father and not the lie that you must earn your way into His approval.

John Piper puts it this way, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.”

Is your soul satisfied in Him or is it searching for the satisfaction is what you can accomplish for Him? That is the question I am asking myself today.

Go. Be with Him.