I remember it like it was yesterday. A Thursday night, I had a math test the next day and had been up studying. He knocked on the door, or more like banged. Mom had finally changed the locks. My brother cupped his hands over his eyes as he tried to peer through the window, thinking it would help, but he could not see. He had not seen in a long time. He had been looking through a filter of red, that seemed to be the only color his eyes were those days. There were no other colors in the world to him anymore.
My brother was in the thick of his drug addiction and my mom asked me what she should do. This was the first night I ever experienced true darkness. I sat at the top of the steps and said nothing. I was nineteen, I did not know what to tell her. But he knocked, begged for us to let him in, and my mom looked at him through the window. They say pictures are worth a thousand words but if someone would have stepped back and flashed a snapshot of this moment I do not think it would have been a thousand words. I think it would have just been five words: You are worth fighting for. Those were the same five words she told my brothers day in and day out when there were using.
Three years later and a couple thousand miles away, the tables turned. I stood on a front porch and knocked on a door. My brother opened the door and that night came back to me in an instant. I did not realize why at first but as he welcomed us into his home, I was slow to find words because I did not realize until that moment how much me and my brother were alike that night all those years ago. I was fresh out of high school with not a clue what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go: searching, and so was he. We were just looking in different places. I went to church and he went to the pawn shop to pawn whatever he had left. Just to get enough money to pop one more pill. What broke me in that moment was the realization that from the outside I was the one in the family that always looked like I had it all together, but I had been just as lost. That night, my brother knew exactly who he was. He was an addict. But who was I?
I was judgmental of him. I was resentful of him. I was ashamed of him. There was so much sin taking root and growing in my heart towards the situation/him, but I would not dare admit that, for that would require me to take a look at myself. That would have required me to admit that I really was no better than he was, because sin was running rapid in my life too.
Yes, I stood inside the house and he stood outside of it, but it is very clear to me that we can be inside the house and still miss it. Still get it wrong. Sometimes the people outside of the house are way better off than us who are in because they are not naïve about where they are, who they are. My brother wasn’t but I was. It is this “holier than thou” mentality we christians are so guilty of taking on but so oblivious to when we do it.
I can’t help but think about this truth in the midst of all that is happening in our nation right now. Maybe the issue is not just with those outside of the house. Maybe the issue is also with us inside. Where are we going wrong? Where are we missing it? What is our part in this? We love to take a step back and point a judgmental finger in the direction of the protestors and the police men, but we are slow to stop and ask ourselves how many fruits of the spirit we have been cultivating. Because in the end, everything the world needs right now is simply the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Scripture makes it very clear we will never bear the fruits of the Spirit if there is any bit of self or as Paul would say “flesh.” [Romans 8]
I have been fascinated by the story in Matthew 8 when Jesus heals the man with leprosy. Oh how we can learn from this man. He comes to Jesus, kneels down, and says in verse 2, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” This man, the one who was outcasted, disgusting to see, and looked down upon by everyone is the very one who got it right when it came to approaching Jesus.
First: he knelt. Our words show belief, but so do our actions. He postured himself in the manner that he knew was needed.
Second: his uses the words “if you are willing.” The man saw and realized that Jesus did not have to heal him. He did not approach Him demanding but simply asking. He was bold to ask for what he wanted but saw that ultimately it came down to if it was something Jesus wanted to give him or not. His will, His way.
Third: he says “you can.” Before Jesus did anything the man was full of belief.
We can come to Jesus with the desires of our hearts. We can boldly ask for what it is we want. We can stand full of belief that He is able to do/give what we pray for, but if we never reach that point where like the leper we say, “if you are willing,” then we are missing it. If we never reach that place, it us saying that what we know that what we ask for is what we need. It is us saying we are entitled to it. Above all, it is us not submitting to God’s authority. It is us saying we just want it our way.
I think this story is such another reminder that those of us who look like we have it all together might just very well be the ones who are missing it the most. The man with leprosy got it. My brother, in active addiction, knew exactly where he was/who he was and his wrongs. But me, I missed it big time that night all those years ago.
Last week, I stood on the front porch looking into my brother’s eyes. He sees life in color again. Of course, I cried, but it washed away a perspective that needed to go. It washed away how I saw people and life. My brother is not the only one who needed a change of eye sight.
Church, yes we are inside the house. But we cannot let ourselves go to the place where we think that the problem is only with those outside. We cannot let ourselves go to the place where just because we appear to be the ones who have it all together that we do not stop to check ourselves. We cannot point fingers at all the wrong in the world and say “oh God have mercy on them” without individually saying “God have mercy on me.” Because whether we realize it or not, us insiders are not doing as great as we think we are. Oh how we need His grace, every single one of us.
Today, take a step back from looking at all that is happening outside of where you are and take a hard look at what is happening inside of you. If I had to guess, you will probably have a front porch moment like I did. Welcome the moment. It will change you for the better.
