In a way, it feels like I have been in hibernation for the last three months. Actually, that’s exactly how I would describe these last three months – hibernation. Hibernation is a way for many creatures – from butterflies to bats – to survive cold, dark winters without having to forage for food or migrate to somewhere warmer. They can stay where they are and survive but it requires a pausing of them. It requires a hiddenness of them. It requires them to stay in place, to cease movement. Maybe in some ways, this whole COVID-19 pandemic has been an invitation from the Lord for all of us to hibernate. A chance to survive where we are but a pause was required, a slowing of pace. A forceful stop to our ever fast-paced world.
I know for certain for me that’s what this time has been – it has been hibernation. It has been hibernation and the hibernation has served as a time for me to be with my Father. I was hibernating with Him.
After losing my job back in April, I was left with no direction, no options, and honestly, not even any desires of where to go from there. It felt like in an instant that everything that had slowly unfolded overtime was instantly ripped out of my hands. I released a book into the world in February only for it to feel like it never even got its chance to get its legs under it. It’s hard to market a book when you can’t be in front of people. I know full well that the Lord wasn’t surprised by that timing but I also know that doesn’t mean I have to push aside the fact that it was sad. When I look back on the season of life I was in before COVID-19 hit, it seemed as if I was living my best days. It seemed as if after so much time I finally got my footing and had settled into the land the Lord had given me.
I was living in Atlanta which meant I was finally close to my community. I was working a job that I loved with people I loved. I was finding new ways to serve at church. I was getting chances to speak. I had all the momentum in the world. Yet, today as I write this, and knowing what I know now from what He has shown me and taught me over the last three months, I can see that momentum is what we use when we are lacking in other areas. Momentum never lets us go the distance. Momentum runs out. Momentum wasn’t going to be what made me walk through these days of uncertainty with faith.
I spent years doing CrossFit. There they teach you to do pull-ups a certain way. They like to call it a kipping pullup (google it to see what it looks like). In short, you swing your body, using momentum to get yourself over the bar. Just this past week I was working out with a trainer and we were doing pull-ups. Instead of having me do my kipping pullups, he had me do strict pull-ups and use a band. Now those of you who aren’t familiar with the workout world, using a band is just like having some extra assistance to help you. You would think if I could do a pullup without the band then with a band I would be totally fine. Wrong. Because I couldn’t use momentum, I had to just use upper body strength and it wasn’t there.
It seems like a silly example but I think it is revealing to the problems so many of us have been faced with during quarantine. We were surviving off of momentum and when the pace of the world came to a screeching halt, there was no momentum left to be found. We didn’t have church events to feed us spiritually. We didn’t have a hangout with friends to make us feel not alone. We didn’t have places to show up to feel like we had a purpose. None of these things are bad things. However, the detrimental effect the removal of these things has been to people, me included, is such an indication that we were looking for something from these things. We were looking for something that was more than they were intended to give us.
God doesn’t want us to run on momentum. God wants us to run with strength. The good news is – He is our strength.
- “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble…” Psalm 46:1-3
- “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10
I want to be sensitive to the fact that these days are extremely hard. Trust me, I know. I have never consumed so many hours of Netflix or scrolled through Instagram as much as I have in these days. It was a way to numb out. It was a way to avoid anything being revealed to me. I knew I had space for the Lord to enter in. I think that scared me. I didn’t want to see whatever it was He intended to show me. So I hope you don’t sense that I am trying to downplay this season by throwing out the reasons why I think it is hard. I am hoping that you can see what the Lord has shown me: If all I can ever do is say “this is hard” and I am not ever able to say “this is why it is hard” then no change is going to come.
We were still living in the wake of COVID-19 but the reigns have been loosed some. People are back to work. Masks are still the matching article of clothing we have to keep on us at all times. The thing is, this season was hard / still is hard. But why?
That feels like a loaded question to try to answer. I know I can’t speak for the entirety of people but I can share with you what I have learned. The struggles of these days have manifested themselves differently for us all but maybe you will glean something from me sharing bits from my journey.
I remember having conversation after conversation people after losing my job that all had a similar narrative: God’s got something for you or God won’t leave you here. When we enter into rough waters, our hearts can gravitate instantly to belief for deliverance. We look expectantly for the break in the tide and the shift in the horizon. God’s leading us somewhere. God is going to use this. God’s getting me ready for something. All things that are not wrong. They are all things that can be true. However, as I sat morning after morning on my couch with my journal in my hand and a mandated shelter in place order, it didn’t seem like there was a circumstantial change coming. It led me to start asking myself – could these phrases of faith actually be saturated with self-seeking intentions?
I skimmed back through prayers and saw over and over again me asking of the Lord to give direction, to lead me somewhere new, and to show me what is that He intended for me to do next. I asked for a job to come and for a new vision for writing. I saw prayer after prayer of me believing that relief would only come by what God could give to me, instead of believing that relief would come in who He could be to me.
What God can do for us VS. Who God can be to us.
I don’t know if we even realize how much those two ideas are rubbing up against each other. I believe the enemy can so discretely manipulate the heart of our prayers and make us miss the very heart of prayer to being with – relationship. There has been talk of revivals and the church awakening. Both things I do hope God does. Both things I believe He can. But I found myself falling into this slow trap of only feeling like these days were going to matter if they led me to something greater or made me better. They would in fact do both of those things but not in the way I expected.
I was a month and a ½ into unemployment and desperation was rising up in me. I was reaching a breaking point and thank the Lord for that. After weeks of begging over and over again for God to do so many things, I remember getting to this point where I only wanted Him. I had a conversation with a friend about how much I was struggling. It allowed me to verbally process with her and realize that getting a new job, or being led somewhere new, or these days ending, none of it was going to change what was happening internally in me. A change in environment or a change in a circumstance does not magically dissipate the unsettledness within us.
Seeing that, knowing that, it made me realize what God could do for me, what He could give me, that wasn’t what my heart was yearning for. My heart was yearning for Him. I needed Him. It was only going to be Him. It felt like suddenly there was this faint whisper constantly from my Heavenly Father saying, “it’s me.”
Oh Jesus, give me more of you. It’s you. It’s always been you.
Is He enough for me?
I don’t think that’s really the question we need to ask. He is enough. He is the first and the last. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is King of Kings. He is grace and mercy. He is goodness and justice. He has always been enough. What I think we need to ask is: Do I want Him to be enough for me?
Your prayer life will reveal the answer to that. Are you praying for the things God can give you more than you are praying to know Him more? Are you desiring to be in a relationship with Him or are you desiring for Him to only make all your problems disappear? Are you looking for what is coming more than you are looking for Him?
This has been so hard. It has been hard because momentum had been my fuel. It has been hard because I was looking for relief in all the wrong places. It has been hard because my prayers for relief were self-seeking instead of God-seeking. It has been hard because I was missing the continuous invitation from my Father to be in a relationship with Him and to know Him. It has been hard because I was asking Him to do so many things for me instead of asking Him to just be with me.
He was letting me hibernate with Him. He was my strength. He was the relief. Not where He could take me. Not what He could give me. Just Him. It makes me understand Paul’s words in Philippians all the more.
“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death…” Philippians 3:8-10
- The surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus.
- In order that I may gain Christ.
- That I may know Him.
Whew, that’s it. A life that desires above all to gain Him and to know Him. I’ll be the first to confess that this wasn’t true of me before these days of COVID-19. The scary part is, I didn’t even realize it wasn’t true of me. Here and now I am still asking Him to make it true of me. I have not yet fully arrived.
God invites us to ask Him for the things we desire. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and knock. You have not because you ask not. All phrases throughout scripture that show us the heart of our Father is for us to trust Him with our requests. But I hope you and I remember, in the end, it’s Him. It has always been Him. May we never stop believing for what God can do but may our hearts’ greatest desires be – in order that we may gain Christ.
The Lord gave me the visual one day of Him arriving at my house in a Uhaul truck. Of course, it could be filled to the top, overflowing with endless amounts of everything we have asked Him for. But if opened up the back and it was empty, if all that stood in the driveway was Him, would we understand that’s enough? Yes, He can arrive on the scene of your story with a trunk full of answered prayers but He Himself arriving is the answer in full to whatever it is our hearts are longing for. He is teaching me that Him and I standing in my driveway together is enough. It is Him. It has always been Him.
I am the one who can either respond in a way where I say, “He is enough.” Or I can respond in a way that proves, “I want more than just you.”
How will you respond? How have you responded?
Confess the hard.
Identify why it might be hard.
Let Him be enough in the hard.
Remember, hard doesn’t mean it’s not good.
