Sometimes I start to write a post and constantly find myself hitting the backspace button over and over, because I really just don’t know what to say. This is one of those times. A post I feel should be filled with so much heartache, but I am instead finding so much gratitude in my heart.
Some say that time heals all things, but I completely disagree. Time doesn’t heal things, but if we allow it, time can shift the attitude of our hearts. That is what I have learned over the past 12 years.
My father said goodbye to this world, and hello to heaven, but today, the day before the clock strikes midnight and it officially has been twelve years, I choose gratitude.
I choose gratitude for the little things, like my love of every sport known to man, for my sense of competitiveness, for my ability to talk to just about anyone, for the joy that I find in the simplest things. All things my dad installed in me.
I choose gratitude for the big things, like the understanding of how important family is, for the ability to have confidence to speak up when no one else will, to go the extra mile for someone just because, and above all, to love Jesus, because He is what matters in this life. All things my dad taught me.
Gratitude says look at what has been, instead of what hasn’t been.
There have been many moments that I would find myself whispering into the night, through tears, the simple wish for him to just be here for something.
To see me play softball or volleyball.
To see me step on a stage in front of thousands of people and speak.
To see me coach my first game.
But when I stopped long enough and asked Jesus to help me see the good, I started to realize…all the things I so desperately wanted him to be here for, where all things that he played such a part in.
I wouldn’t have played sports if he hadn’t made me fall in love with them.
I wouldn’t have stepped onto that stage that day if he hadn’t taught me to be bold.
I wouldn’t have decided to be a coach if I hadn’t watched him be one for so many years.
I stopped looking at was wasn’t there of him, and started looking at what was there of him… in me.
And in all of it, there has been Jesus. Every step He took up to Calvary was Him ensuring that despite my earthly father not being here, I would still go through life with someone to call Father. He established a place where cancer couldn’t win. He gives us hope through the promise of heaven.
I choose gratitude because of the parts of my dad that live on through me.
I choose gratitude because cancer doesn’t get to win.
I choose gratitude because I have never once been fatherless, and never once walked this journey alone.
I choose gratitude because there was death, but there has been much life.
“You’re a good, good father.
It’s who You are, it’s who You are,
it’s who You are.
And I’m loved by you.
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am.”
-HouseFires
