Burned out.
Whew, a phrase it took me a long time to confess to myself and I have only now slowly started telling those closest around me. The last 8 months have been exhilarating and looking back I am still in shock I got to be a part of some of the things I did. I could list all the different places I have gotten to have my hands but I know that’s myself only feeling the need to justify it when I say, “I’m tired.”
I have earnestly been praying for space to catch my breath. I have sensed the Lord pulling me away but it felt confusing when to do so would mean to drop all the plates I was carrying. Shattered glass didn’t seem like the best way to go. It felt like it would cause a scene to step away, so I trusted that He was seeing my weary heart and He would lead me on.
I have seen Him carve the path that is ushering me into rest. As my job wrapped up last week and Gather is breaking for the summer, I can see that He is giving the space. I also am learning I have a responsibility to maximize on it.
All that to say, I am burned out. All that to say, I am jumping off social media for a while. I hate when people announce their departure, almost like even admits trying to disconnect we seek the approval of man. I do it too. I only say this because it feels honest as a young leader to confess – I tried to do too much and the things of God became more important than the person of God. I mastered showing up to “things” but have failed at showing up for my people. What was once a delight has become a duty. I know this was never the Father’s heart for me. I also know fear has wrapped its hands around my mind making me think that if I pull back and start saying no to some things then I am never going to get any more opportunities. God determines our steps. God will take me where I am intended to go. He fulfills my purpose. I am putting my hope in man if in of fear of “missing out” I keep drowning myself in water that I know I have no energy to swim in right now.
Do I think going off social media will solve all my problems? No. That is not the point and in the past when I have attempted to do this I have wanted that outcome. As you can guess, my expectations were never met. The point is that we can step into more of Jesus when we take less from the things of this world. I am not asking time away from social media to revive me. I am asking myself, “how can I maximize the most on this season?” The answer is to lay down anything and everything that is not essential and maximize on every moment to get away with Jesus. This is also not me saying social media prohibits us from intimacy with the Lord or that it is a bad thing. It is me saying, for me personally, coming out of a year where I ran myself into the ground, for the sake of my soul’s health I need less scrolling and more sitting. I need less posting and more pausing. I need less liking and more listening. I need less editing and more encountering.
I need rest. For so long I have lived from a place that believed to rest is to be lazy. There is a drastic difference between being lazy and resting. Mostly because I am not talking about laying down and catching up on some sleep (even though I will do that) I am talking about my soul being stilled in the presence of my Father. Quite frankly, it is clear I know nothing about rest. I have done a poor job at it. I am embarking on days to change that. I do not know much about it, yet, there is an awareness there that I need it. My flesh fights it but the spirit alive in me pulls me towards it.
So to all my people out there with two feet on the gas peddle, double check that what you are chasing is Jesus as the treasure. If He is not, slam on the breaks. Slow down. Take a hard look at where you give all your time. Serve the Kingdom, yes. Give it all you got, yes. However, as you do it, do not miss the fact that our Shepherd says He wants us to lay down in green pastures. He never asked any of us to run ourselves into the ground or to run on fumes.
What’s ahead for me?
I have no idea and I love it. Just kidding, I sort of know but I sort of don’t. I am still knee deep in book publishing stuff, conversations with publishers in full swing. I will be trying to figure out the discipline of writing regularly because I am the WORST at that. Crafting a gift I know I have been given but failed to work at consistently.
As far as Gather goes, I am taking the summer to figure out where we are headed. I do not know the answer to that yet. Our team has to figure out what is the most effective but also the most sustainable for us. I do not have vision right now and scripture is clear that where there is no vision the people perish (Proverbs 29:18). So we are pressing pause, waiting for the Lord to tell us what is next. I want to sit down with high school girls for coffee and not just stand in front of them on stage. I want them to hear my voice on the other end of a phone call and not just through a microphone. I want to do life with them and not just tell them how to do life. All of that has been missing and that is mine to take responsibility for. I am also the only one who can make sure that changes.
For now, my plan is to lay low and to spend intentional time with community. To actually let iron sharpen iron. To be more than a once -a- month-coffee -catch- up- date with my friends. To be walking close enough that they can call me up and call me out. Friendship is more than just been in the same room together. I believe the enemy tries to make us believe it not. Christ-centered friendship must take protective measures to make sure that they have purposed time together outside of serving together. I can say this because I have seen this happen in my world. I can see my friends three times a week. All of them at church events and I could not tell you one thing about what has been going on in their world. I want to be better.
Here is the deal – He slows us down to build us up. At the end of the day, where we are headed is never going to matter if the best version of yourself is not what is going to show up. These days are about doing what it takes to make sure that who I am is capable to step into whatever is coming next.
Inhale, exhale.
There is grace for the journey and thank goodness because clearly, I need a lot of it.
