Broken Families & Beautiful People

I looked up, blinded by the sun. It was bright. I cupped my hand over my forehead trying to look out into the distance. The only other thing I could see through the rays of the sun was the shadows of my siblings walking in front of me. This all felt like a paradox compared to the years we had known before. How could there be shadows when the sun was out? How were the light and the shadows operating the same place?

We grew to be acquainted with the darkness following the years of my father’s death. It was almost like it befriended my family. We were accustomed to survival mode and holding on for dear life. I almost became so used to the disruption of peace that it was what I considered normal. Family feels like a double-edged sword. One one side, people have been wounded by it. They have felt great pain and their concept of family has been shattered as choices have been made by family members. On the other side, a family is some peoples greatest weapon. Family is the people that have stood on the front line with them, fought with them and for them. I know this because it seems as if I’ve felt both sides of the blade.

It is easy for me to write about my siblings now. When things aren’t as messy and we are operating the best we ever have. When my oldest brother is a nuclear engineer and my sister has a Ph.D. in English. When my other sister is a teacher and my other brother lives out in Idaho managing a ranch with his amazing wife. When my youngest brother is married and about to graduate college. It is easy to claim them, love them, and share about them when it feels that they have something commendable to celebrate.

As I drove home from the beach this past weekend, I thought about the person who is sitting in a place like/similar to where I sat. The ones who have the brother or the sister making decisions that are destructive. I thought about the young girl whose father is picking up the bottle more than he picks up the phone to call her. I thought about how many people I know that are carrying shame around because their family isn’t meeting the made-up standard that is in all of our heads.

I did this. I carried shamed and it silenced me. I did not want people to know what was going on behind the walls of our home. I did not want people to know about the shadows.

It all made more sense to me that evening standing on the beach after I snapped the picture that is the header of this blog. Shadows are a dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface. Shadows are often associated with darkness, or that is what I have done all the years. But, there are not shadows unless there is light there too. We start to believe that the shadows are making us, defining us. They aren’t. They only exist because there is light still in the picture. Even at our lowest moments, through the crevices, and under closed doors of secrets, the light finds a way in. Jesus does not leave us with the lights out. He doesn’t enter back in the homes of our families when we have done a deep cleaning. He isn’t waiting until you fit the mold of the all American family. He is actually observing how your character will hold up. He is seeing how much grace you will give or how much bitterness you will build up. Never with the intensions to punish you for not meeting the mark but to teach you how much more you will withstand when you learn to love people when they are not only at their best.

We are quick to think that the dark days and even the dark years are something are better left unspoken. We will wait until things are put back together. We will wait until we believe our family makes the cut. Then, we will talk about how great they are and how much we love each other. That isn’t how it is supposed to work. I think the problem is we see the professional pictures of other people’s family on social media and we compare. It is a tragedy that we have reached a day and age that comparison has stretched its roots further than just comparing ourselves to other people but now we compare our families to other families.

I am starting to see that what I thought I wanted when it came to a family isn’t actually what I want at all. I don’t want the family that has never been to the hard places. I don’t want the family that has never been in a fight. I don’t want the family that has never had to forgive. I don’t want the family that has never had to extend grace. I don’t want the family that hasn’t been to the bottom together. I don’t want the family that is afraid to be honest about where they are at. I don’t want the family that hides.

I don’t want it because it would be to live from the false reality that we have it all figured out. I want my family now and the family of my own (one day) to constantly live from the place of being aware of how desperate we need Jesus to let His grace glue us together. Our families are made up of imperfect sinful people who are only operating in a relationship together by the grace of God.

I don’t want it because sitting here today I know that what fortified my siblings and I was not the high moments it was the low moments. It was being able to go there together that made us better. We see the highlight reels of other people all the time, I am afraid that when we are not careful we start only wanting the highlight reels to be our life. It won’t happen.

I do not say all of this naïve to the fact that some of you are not sitting on the other side as I am. Some of you have hard things playing out in your family right now. For some of you, the story did not end with your siblings becoming clean from drugs or your parents coming back. I hope you know that I say all of this not to tell you to keep holding out and it will all work in the end. I do not know how your story ends. I say all of this because I want someone to know today that you do not have to carry around shame for the fact that you think your family is a disaster. Lay that burden down. Stop carrying it. Let me be the spokesperson because I did it wrong for so many years. It did me no good and it did no one around me any good.

It seems as if there is a common thread being woven within me of the things the Lord is teaching me – freedom. That word encompasses so much. In this case, He is showing me He desires to set me free from the snare of my own mind. He desires to set me free from these manmade expectations I made myself live under for years. A messy family does not mean a family has any less faith. A messy family does mean a family is any less spiritual. In the end, every family has its own mess. Some better at hiding than others, but it is there.

My friends, where your family is at, it is just that – it is where they are at. There is not judgment coming from heaven towards you.  If there is judgment coming from the people around you, it is not the way of Jesus. If there is judgment coming from within you, it is not the way of Jesus.

I will now downplay the hurt that I know some of you have experienced when it comes to family. I will not try to tie a pretty bow on family dynamics that are shattered. I know that my families story could have ended differently. We had days where I was convinced it would. We had days were anger and resentment were real. If I could go back and tell myself one thing in the midst of all it, I would say what I am hoping you are hearing me say to you now. You do not have to be ashamed of your family. No matter how messy things are.

Jesus sees you. He sees them. He knows.

I hope you find a little bit of freedom today when it comes to your family dynamics/story/situation. Give them over to Jesus.  – in the good, in the bad, in the ugly, from a distance if needed. He is the best one to trust them with.

Broken families still have beautiful people.

To my home team – Mom, Anna, Allison, Joseph, Jonathan, and Jacob:

I am thankful for where we have been. It has led us to where we are. The shadows never were winning. There has been light in the picture all along.