I have a flooded email inbox that has not been touched, and an overflow of text messages that most of the time I never even stop long enough to read, let alone respond. I figured what better way to explain myself than to throw it out on the internet for all to see. For all who await a response, I apologize. I promise I will get to it sooner or later. But let’s be real, it will probably be later.
Life has been moving at a pace worthy of a speeding ticket. And me? I am keeping up, but most of the time completely out of breath. This summer I started working my first full-time job, and an adjustment that was. But when I think about the summer, it feels like a blur. I blinked and school was starting again. There were so many times this summer that I sat down to write about all the Lord was teaching me, but I could never transpire it into words. I have never gone through a season of life like I did the past couple months, a season of pure conviction.
At times it tasted so sweet, and other times it was painful, but is that not what conviction should be? Jesus reveals to us things that are impure. Things in our lives that have no place. He reveals character defects that must change. To see that, to realize those things, that is painful. But it is when you are in that place and know that you still have a downpour of grace raining down, that you finally understand how sweet grace really is. I tasted that grace this summer and I will never be the same.
Like I mentioned before, there was so much I wanted to write about, but it never came. But this I realized, Jesus did not want me to write. Sometimes when I come to this blank page, my first thought goes to the views, or the response I will receive. I am so quick to make it all about myself. If that is ever my intention then I hope/pray that Jesus does exactly what He did the summer, strip me of all words.
The well-known phrase of “personal relationship with Jesus” became active in my life this summer. By that I mean, all that what transpiring in my heart, all that was being chiseled away, all that Jesus was showing me about Himself, I was simply just sitting in it with Him. In a world that screams social media, sometimes we are so quick to put our spiritual lives on display for the world to see. I am the first to say that I believe that social media is an incredible outlet for the gospel, but when it becomes your only outlet then a bigger problem is at hand. I am also the first to say that I am guilty of snatching up my phone to tweet the latest verse I read. But this summer that changed. This summer it was just me and Jesus. The need of the world to know every detail of my quiet times became nonexistence, and how much more personal my relationship with Him became.
Every time I started to compose a tweet, or pull up a word document, Jesus gently pulled me away time after time and spoke into my heart, “they don’t have to know.” I was so unsure of why He was doing this for so long. But after so many occurrences of the same thing, I came to be aware that I was just trying to prove myself to everyone, to make sure people knew how spiritual I was. But if I am turning my life into a megaphone of how spiritual I am compared to a megaphone of how alive Jesus is then I am missing it. I am getting it all wrong. I wanted to just do and Jesus wanted me to just be with Him.
Hillsong has a song out right now with the lyrics, “I touched the sky when my knees hit the ground.”
This could sum up the past couple months for me. On my knees I was found time after time, thanking Him for His grace. Thanking Him for second chances. Thanking Him for wanting my relationship with Him to be personal. Thanking Him for the patience He has with me even when I make the dumb mistakes time after time. It was when I finally went into that posture that I could hear what He has been trying to tell me so long, “First, I just want you.”
Yes, He wants so much more from us, our talents, our time, etc. But first, He just wants you. He wants you with Him, in the most personal relationship. He wants you to sit and not do one thing. He wants you to taste His grace and experience His love. When you have experienced that, it will be the fuel to set a fire down in your heart, and to send you out into this world that desperately needs Him.
To my fellow writers:
I encourage you to not feel the need to tell the world all that Jesus is doing in your life. Let some of it be personal, just Him and you. Let there be freedom in your lives when you do not write. Jesus does not think more or less of you depending on how many blog post you compose in a year. Take it from me; sometimes the best thing that could ever happen to you is to not have words. Sometimes you don’t need words, you just need THE word.
To all:
Know that conviction is the door we should always walk through. The door that will always lead us to the humility we need, and the door that leads us straight to an ocean of grace. It will be painful at times, but it is so worth it. Know that you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, but instead you just need to go to someone.
As for me right now, I am coaching volleyball again and loving every second of that. I am taking classes and working part time. I am journeying through Psalm 119 with one of my sweet friends and it is rocking both of our worlds. A lot of people ask me, “What is next?” “Are you transferring?” Honestly, I have no idea, but I believe that Jesus will direct my steps. For now, I fix my eyes not on the future, but just on Jesus. Believing He will carve the path out for me to follow.
Psalm 119:133
“Establish my steps and direct them by [means of] your word.”
