5 am – my alarm goes off. I don’t hit snooze. I am not that kind of person. I am the person that turns it off and gets up right away. I walk to the kitchen. I pour the vitamins I drink into a shaker bottle and head to the couch. I get out my journal, my bible, and I dig in.
This was me.
I know it sounds crazy, but this was routine I was in back when the world was normal, and workdays didn’t start and end when we chose. I have never been the one to struggle with the spiritual discipline of carving out time to get in the word. In fact, I am the girl who would almost be late for work because I had lost track of time in the morning.
Why do I tell you this?
This is not a “let me tell you how good I am at reading the bible” blog. It is a public declaration that although that might have been in me, in these days – that isn’t me.
There are a lot of moving pieces here that feel worth addressing. They feel worth addressing because I know that when we aren’t careful the enemy can use what is actually common ground amongst many, and shame us into believing we are the only one.
I’ll say it, virtual fatigue is a real thing. If you are like me, you spend all day long looking at a screen and in-taking information. So, when the time comes for me to get up in the morning and try to wake myself up enough to process what I am reading, it feels impossible. I can’t tell you how many times I have sat on my couch in the morning with my bible open and verbally said to the Lord, “I just can’t do it.” Then, if I try to do it at night before going to bed, sometimes by the end of the day all I want to do is mindless things, which usually results in me scrolling through Instagram or watching Gilmore Girls.
All of this presents the question – what do you do when what has always worked isn’t working?
I know I am a routine person. It is almost like I have convinced myself that I need to muster up enough stamina to get back into my 5 am routine. The thing is that sometimes it works, and I soak in every second of the slow mornings. Some days it doesn’t work.
So, what do you do when what has always worked isn’t working? I am learning the simple truth all over again that time with Jesus doesn’t have to always look the same. You try something different. It isn’t failure. I actually see it as perseverance. That feels like a strong word to use in this context but if you think about in the way of “I have identified what isn’t working and I am not willing to just settle with it not working” then it is in fact persevering.
I am sure I am not the only one sitting in this tension these days. What scares me though is the moments I have had where I have realized how much easier it is to not fight for that time with the Lord and being in the word. What scares me is how many conversations I have had with people younger and older whose sole spiritual nourishment is secondhand from the podcast or Sunday morning sermon they listened to. What scares me is how many people would say they aren’t spending time in the word or with the Lord.
Someone asked me recently if I had any ideas stirring when it came to writing. I said no but proceeded to explain to her that I just feel this insane passion right now about people getting in the Word of God. I don’t know how that will all play but I think it starts here.
I think it starts with my humble confession that I don’t always get it right. I think it starts with us identifying that it can be a struggle. I think it starts with us having a conversation about the need for us to sometimes switch it up. I think it starts with us understanding that what works for one person isn’t going to work for all.
I think it starts with us knowing we are allowed to ask the Father to help us. Most of my last journal entries have started with, “Lord, thank you for helping me get to this space again.” I know that there have been too many times where I have prided myself in how “well” I thought I was doing when it came to this whole “quiet time” thing. But now I know, it is only by the power of the Holy Spirit that there would even be a desire in me to want to show up or to dig in. That’s good news though. It is the reminder that our flesh will fail us every single time. I don’t think it’s a matter of mustering up enough discipline and making it happen. It is a matter of recognizing my powerlessness and understanding all over again – apart from Him I can do nothing.
Don’t hear me say that we don’t have our part in this. Scripture says if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. The forward motion on our part has to happen. That might look different for all of us.
The forward motion could be the prayer of, “Lord help me desire this.” A prayer that for me has never been a one-time thing. It could be making a plan and picking out a time of the day where you determine that regardless of the “what” that you will get alone and be with Jesus. It could be asking for accountability from a friend. Tell someone that you want them to check in and see what you have been reading or what you are learning.
I don’t know what your forward motion is, but I do know that if you have felt stuck in the cycle of not being in the Word and experiencing Jesus that it is time. It is time to take a step. Don’t let the fear of inconsistent patterns arising or not knowing where to start keep you from taking a step.
Andrew Murray says this, “know the written word but also know the Living Word.” I love this so much. It has given me such freedom some days to understand that while I know reading God’s word is important, that I have not failed if it hasn’t happened. I have a tendency to put so much emphasis on reading that I can forget that I was created to be in a relationship. It seems as if these days the enemy has crafted up a scheme to make us feel like we only need one or the other. It’s brilliant on his part.
If I can make you only have a ton of head knowledge about who Jesus is then I can maybe get you back into the religion mentality and focus on the do’s and don’ts. If I can get you away from God’s word but know you still have a relationship with Him, then I can easily distort the biblical principles that you are called to live under.
We need both.
From a young age, we hear the phrase “quiet time.” I am starting to hate that phrase. The word time feels so constrictive. It is a word that comes with a connotation of boundaries. To me, it has an underlying meaning of a stopping and starting point. I believe in the value of uninterrupted time set aside in your day to seek the Lord and be in the Word. Yet, I have seen how prone I am to limit Him when I think about only one moment of my day as the time I am to be with Him. I have often read something first thing in the morning and by lunch completely forgotten what it was. I want to move away from the phrase “quiet time.” I want to change my thinking. I want to be with Jesus for the entirety of a day, not just a small window of time in the morning.
It is the art of abiding. It is coming but it is staying.
For a while now I have started to see more and more that the Lord speaks to me through imagery. As I sat on my couch one morning frustrated by my lack of consistency in waking up and getting in the Word, He graciously showed me how much more He was willing to be than what I had boxed Him into.
As a kid, my mom would always be in the kitchen in the morning cooking breakfast before I left for school. She would ask me about what my day looked like, what my schedule was with practice, etc. Then off to school I would go. As a teenager, my mom never went to bed at night before I got home. She would wait up for me to come in, often ask me how my day was, and tell me goodnight. The Lord brought this to mind that morning and told me, “I am not one or the other.
He is not just the parent that meets you in the kitchen for breakfast. He is not just the parent waiting up for you to come in from a long day. He will do either. He will meet you in the morning if that’s what is working for you. He will meet you in the evening if that is what is working for you. More importantly, if we let Him, He will do the whole day with us.
I know that is what He has been trying to get my weary heart to hear in this season. To see that I am the one who has confined Him to a spot in the day. To see that He is willing and wants to not just be a part of a “time”. He wants to do it all with me. He wants do it all with you.
“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16
The writer of Hebrews would have been writing this to an audience that was accustomed to only the high priest being able to enter into the holy of holies. Within the Holy of Holies, two cherubim of olive wood stood with the Ark; this innermost sanctuary was considered the dwelling place of God’s presence. Once a year, on the day of atonement, only the high priest would go in. Not for relational reasons but to makes sacrifices for their sins. Here we stand on the other side of the cross, where all God’s children have full access to enter. Yet, some of us are still operating as if others can just go for us. Some of us are acting as if we must leave. The story has changed. He is inviting us in. He lets us stay.
We have full access to the throne of grace. Why would we enter in to leave?
Abide. Stay with Him.
I want to leave you with some questions to think about. I want to keep this conversation going.
Think about it:
- How often are you in the word?
- Have you asked the Lord to help you read scripture?
- Do you need to find accountability with reading your bible? Who could you ask?
- Are you depending on others for your spiritual nourishment?
- Are you struggling to spend time with Jesus? If yes, what is one thing you could try that is different?
- Are you letting Jesus be a part of the entirety of your day? Or are you confining him to a “quiet time”
For me, I am seeing that it for now, it changes every day. Some days it looks like a walk around the block in silence praying, talking to Him. Some days it is early mornings journaling. Some days it’s during a lunch break with my nose in a commentary. Some days it is right before I lay my head down to sleep. Some days it is only the acknowledgement that He is God and I am not. It isn’t my 5 am consistent routine but in a lot of ways it has started to feel way more intimate than that ever did.
