You Haven’t Missed It

The million-dollar question after finishing your first book – have you started the second one? I imagine being asked this is what people feel like as they hold their first child and someone asks when they plan to have a second. There was a layer of frustration that came with this question but also an immense amount of pressure. Both were two-fold. 

I was frustrated with people asking and I was frustrated with myself for not writing. Pressure from others to feel like I should have long before now started a second book and pressure from myself of “come on sister, get it together and write.” I didn’t help that the launching of my first book came right before the time of the pandemic of COVID-19, followed by me losing my job. It meant everyone around me knew I had a lot of time on my hands. To most, it probably seemed like a no brainer – surely I was writing. I wasn’t.

The answer was no. During days of quarantine and unemployment, I wasn’t writing a second book. I really wasn’t writing anything. I had to deal with my fair share of shame that came with that. You would think with all that space the Lord intended for me to create during that time. I have had to learn that He is far less concerned with what is coming out of me and far more concerned about what is going on within me.He wanted to address the second, while I wanted to dig my heels into the first. That’s always easier right? To produce something instead of having something pruned. To share something instead of being sanctified.

After a six-year-long process of writing and publishing my first book, walking back up to the starting line was daunting enough in itself. Do I have anything left to say? How could I possibly have any more words in me? Do I have what it takes to do this process all over again? Doubt and lack of direction do not make for a good pair. You would think after finishing one book I would be confident that I could do it again. It should be like how I feel when I go out to run in the morning. Yesterday I did it, today I can do it again. But with this, it wasn’t that way. It was like every lie the enemy threw at me the first time around was a boomerang coming back again. 

I was scared I would fail. I was scared nothing would ever come. I was scared I didn’t have what it took to do it again. I begged of Him to stir something in me, an idea, a thought, anything. Nothing came. Yet, something deep within my soul could still sense the quaint whisper of my Father over my conflicted heart – You will write another book. 

My last book being centered around the loss of my father at a young age, I knew that God intended for me to get something else out. As much as I believe in It Is Written there was no way that those were the only words my Father intended for me to write. There has been so much in my adult years that He has deposited. The enemy for years taunted me and wanted me to believe that all I would ever offer to anyone was a narrative about pain and loss. I am grateful the Lord entrusted me with insight for the two, not because I am wise, but because I lived it. I had to lean in though. I had to believe what I preached through 50,000 words of my first book – I was more than just the loss of my Father. There was more in me. I would write again.

I have never been the one to try to force writing. I know there is something to be said about consistency. However, I have to be honest and say that I know when it is time to sit down at the page again. For a long time, I thought maybe I was full of excuses and a mentality that said, “I only write when I feel like it.” But as I observed the other areas of my life, it was clear that discipline wasn’t an issue. My workout routine proves that to be true. 

So maybe just maybe this really was how I was wired. It is not that I only write when I am inspired. It is not that I only write when I have the time. It is that I only write when something is tugging so fiercely at me that it doesn’t matter where I am or what I have going on – I find a way to get the thoughts out. It is probably why I have enough notes on my iPhone that could write a second book. I’m sure some of my fellow writers or creatives are rolling their eyes at me right now. But as a strong three of the enneagram, consistently and discipline can sometimes become an idol. I have seen it happen time after time. I have had to fight to protect my mind and my heart from going there. I have learned to let it just be what it is. My creative process doesn’t have to match anyone else’s. Neither does yours. You have to learn what works and then stick with it. 

I sit here on mundane Monday night having had no plan what so ever to pull up this word document. I am back to work and in a way, it feels a little bit like the world came out of a winter hibernation but all of us still unsure of what the near future could hold. I look back on the days of the thick of COVID 19 and it is hard to not let myself go to a place of, “I had so much time to write and I didn’t.”

Maybe you are have had a similar thought. Yet as I sit here now, I can see so clearly – the Lord is still providing for me an undeniable sense of space to do what is He is asking of me to do. He will do the same for you, my friend. Maybe you didn’t redecorate the house like you thought, or write the song, or finish that puzzle, or call the friend, or make the counseling appointment. If you are like me, you probably knocked yourself for all the things you thought surely you would have done when we were locked inside our houses. 

We have to remember – God doesn’t need a global pandemic to give us the space to do what it is He has intended for us to do. He has fully equipped us with all that it is we need. Space and time are only a thing and they are things that He has full control over and operates outside of. He parts waters and moves mountains. He roars the thunders and flashes the lighting. You have not missed it. Whatever it is, don’t let the disappointment of “I wish I had done ______” during the endless time I had during COVID-19 keep you from doing it now. Because the thing is, maybe He used those days to do something within you and now is the time it comes out of you. He always need to sanctify us before He needs us to share.

Here’s the thing – I don’t know when book two will come. I don’t know when the words will start flowing. I don’t know what it will be about. I think sometimes we get so caught up on what we don’t know that it makes us forget what we DO know. 

I know that I haven’t missed my shot and neither have you. I know that God isn’t disappointed in my lack of word count. I know that He desires me more than He desires what I think I should be doing. I know that there is no expiration date here. He isn’t done with me. There is more to be done. Deep in me, there are more words. He will pull them out. He is the only one who can. He will do it exactly when it needs to happen. 

I don’t know what your “thing” is. But I am here to remind you – you haven’t missed it. I fully believe that if it hasn’t come yet then it wasn’t intended to. God knows what He is doing with us in these days. We can trust His agenda. We can trust His timing. 

I don’t want to produce anything before I let Him have His way in me when it comes to the areas that still need to be pruned.

What if we allowed Him to do the pruning? What if the production mindset we can all easily have is a self-protection mechanism from us having to do the painful work of being changed from the inside out? 

Go on. Meet with Him. He doesn’t need you to bring anything other than yourself. Let Him make you into all that He desires you to be. He is safe enough for us to come all on our own, just as we are. He is that good.