Changing the Way We Talk About the Wilderness

As I am writing this, I realized a month ago I wrote another post about wanting rest. Here I am today, showing up to tell you how much I am struggling with rest. It has been a little over a month since I transitioned out of the job I was working at. I am back to spending my days babysitting, which means I have a sporadic and inconsistent schedule. Along with ending my job, I decided to take a breather from the high school girl ministry I was running. For someone who desperately needed rest, all of this should be a gift. I know I will see it like that one day, but for right now – I feel like I am losing my mind a little bit.

I have never felt more like an Israelite in my life. In this wilderness of mine that has no exit signs telling me what is up ahead or directions as to what the next thing I need to do is, I have sympathized with Israelites and with Moses. Yes, the Israelites had to endure the same wilderness Moses did, but Moses was the leader of the pack. Can you imagine being in thick of the summer heat with thousands of people frustrated about where they were headed and you being the one who was supposed to know? Moses felt the same heat. Moses experienced the same hunger and thirst. I use to wonder how in the world could the Israelites complain to Moses. He was doing the best he could. Not to mention, he had led them out of captivity, a little bit of gratitude would have been nice. That was until I found myself in my own wilderness and there have been so many times that I wish I had a Moses to complain to.

I am quick to want to pick up my phone, text a friend, and tell her how all of this downtime and not knowing where I am going is terrible. I typically stop myself because I know the response will be them reminding me that this is what I wanted. Not only is it what I wanted, but it is also what I prayed for. I begged the Lord to create space for me. He did. The Israelites wanted to be set free. They were. I do not think the Israelites knew being released into freedom meant being released into the wilderness. I surely did not know that being released into a season of rest meant being into a wilderness. But here we are.

“When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, “Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea.” Exodus 13:17-18

People talk about the wilderness in a lot of ways. I think most of the time I have heard it be talked about it has been with a negative connotation. Maybe that is why let myself go ahead and decide that I need to do everything I can to find my way out of these days. I still want the rest but I do not want the setting to which the Lord is unfolding it in. I’ll work my way through this desert. I will find a way out because staying here is not an option. Working my way through it has come in the form of adding things to a to-do list that honestly does not even exist. I will read more. I will call more people. I will meal prep more. I will clean more. I will work out more. These little mundane things do not sound like much but to a professional “doer” they are the only things I know to do in this season. I did not even realize that what I was also trying to do was create a spiritual to-do list for myself. There is no such thing as a spiritual to-do list, that mentality has a name – it is called religion. 

You do not realize how much you struggle with the idea of resting until you find that you feel shame when you lay your head down on your pillow at night and are telling yourself, “I will do more tomorrow.” I do not want to live like that anymore. I do not want myself or any of us to shrink back into the ways of the old testament, thinking that we have to bring our offerings into the temple. The Lord desires the works of our hands but He also desires the purity of our heart. Works that are done with the wrong motives are not done with purity. He does not want my religious thinking. 

I am not sure if you have ever been in a real desert/wilderness but I hiked the Grand Canyon a couple of years ago which is pretty close to a desert. I was traveling with a friend and we hiked for a couple hours one day. By the end of it, I was in tears. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to sit down and stay there forever. I asked the ranger we ran into what happened if you could not make it to the top. His silent response made me realize that was not an option. I had to walk one switchback at a time, sit down, take a break, and then have my friend help me up so I could walk another round. The worst part about this hike was you could not see where the top was. I had no idea where we were even trying to get to.

When I think out my spiritual walk with the Lord like my hike at the Grand Canyon it makes sense. If I try to run through this wilderness, which I have been, I will continue to be out of breath. I cannot. I cannot make it through this on my own terms. Nor do I want to. I am not saying that overnight I took a deep breath and consented to this journey. I am saying that every day I am having to make a choice to fight to not run. There are so many things the Lord and I need to work out. I could list most of them off to you right now. The list grows a little longer every day. I want to check them all off in the span of 24 hours because that is how I always navigate to-do lists.

When it comes to the Lord tending our souls, it will not work that way. Instead, I am having to walk a short distance, sit down, take a break, and have the Lord help me up so I can do it again. These stops in this wilderness are places like insecurity, contentment, worries, fear, places of unforgiveness, forging my identity, etc. They cannot all be tackled at once. I need to sit after He sifts through these places of my heart one at a time. He is gracious to not rush me. It is me that tries to rush things.

The wilderness is so much more than the “in between.” It is not just point B between where you left and where you are headed. The wilderness is not just wandering. The wilderness is not a vast open space that has to make you feel like you are lost. The wilderness is not punishment. The wilderness is not wasted time. The wilderness is not about how hard you can work to make something grow while you are there. The ground is dry, brittle, and lifeless. I think that is the point though.

The step into the wilderness for the Israelites was the first step into deliverance for them. It was what was between Egypt and the Promise Land but there were miracles to be experienced. If there are miracles to be experienced in the wilderness, then we must stop calling it the “in between.” It is holy ground. They were not lost; they were in the location ordained by the Lord. The ground they walked on was not springing up abundant life, yet they were nourished. They were taken care of. Not because they did enough in a day to deserve it but because there was a God in heaven who never intended for them to go without. God provided everything. They were not rich in material but He was being rich in mercy to them.

I am seeing that the point of these days runs so much deeper than I know. Mostly though, I am seeing that there is no “to-do” list right now and I do not have to create one. Instead, I must learn to let my belief in who Jesus is penetrate roots of faiths to new depths so it allows me to rest, assured that my Father in heaven is found of me regardless. Who knows, maybe He isn’t giving me anything to do because if He does I will never truly get to that place.

I cannot shake this thought – The Israelites wanted to be set free. God gave them the wilderness.

When you connect the dots, it makes me think that if the wilderness is where we are then maybe more than we need to get to the next thing, we need freedom from something or someone. The Promise Land will do you and me no good if we arrive with shackles around our ankles. What if Moses had taken the Israelites straight from Egypt to the Promise Land without Pharoah setting them free? They would have arrived there and been the same as they were when they left – Enslaved. If there is not freedom, then the next place will have no value for us. I want freedom more than I want to arrive at wherever I am headed. This changes everything. It changes my prayer from “Lord let this wilderness end” to “Lord set me free from whatever it is.”

This does not mean these days are still not challenging and hard. It does not mean that I am not tempted to find an exit door. It does not mean that my flesh does not want to go searching for something to do. It does not mean that the days are not long and I do not have to constantly tell the Lord I do not know how to do this. I do not know how to slow down. I do not know how to let the ground be barren and not want to grab a shovel and try to till up the dirt. Clearly, there are a lot of things I do not know. It is okay. If I do not know that means I still have things to learn.

The desert was barren for the Israelites but encounters with God happened. That has to be enough for us. What we are being a part of, what we are leading at, what we are doing, all of it could be gone. The field we were harvesting can dry up. Yet, one thing we know remains true – the Holy Spirit dwells inside of us. Jesus is with us. He is enough on His own. This is not a get out of jail free card for us to sit back on our couches and do nothing. I am not telling you to not work hard because Jesus is enough. I am talking specifically to those of us learning how to stop doing something. Not those of us who need to learn to actually do something.

So to all my people out there who get restless when you have space to rest – hear me tell you that you cannot work your way through rest. It is not a task to accomplish. Trust me, I have tried to let it be and it will not work. I cannot work my way through this time but I can write during it. I cannot plan a way out of this time but I can praise through it. I cannot count down the seconds but I can recount His faithfulness.

To my brothers and sisters in the wilderness with me, I am praying that we change the language. We can cross our arms and complain the whole time we are here. We can believe that nothing is happening in this space. Or we can see that expanding across all borders, every square inch of this wilderness is a massive table the Lord has set for us. On it – freedom.

What is it that He is trying to set you free from?

Find freedom.

It will make the Promise Land even more enjoyable.